a typo makes red spread like dye in water
across the water in my body
vermillion
to be soothed with carnelian rituals
agate is a word with thud
it hurls itself with matter-of-fact
impact
across the mouth, throat, tongue.
I am afraid of everything
I never feel unconstrained
constraint is the strain of
a heavy backpack
constantly making my chest hurt
throat close, if only partially
stuck again. shoved into a hole
dug by the shovel of shame
plunging into my deficits
knowing I’ve lost my abilities
weeks of my brain being
slow and lagging
my ego strikes these words down
with flourish
a twist of the paintbrush
and a twirl of the body of my ego
a realm of performance
a performative woman am I
after all
made for the stage
shimmer and glitz
old words and new hats
dreams of nonsense
is the only way out
of my flawed embarrassment
the embracing of
non-sequitor?
of confusion?
is my ego so fragile
that when she is asked
what makes her happy
she apparently
just
screams.
I want to scream until my throat hurts
make me raspy with rage
I want to tear out my hair
and slam my fists onto the small table
and grind my feet into the carpet
just to hurt my neighbors ears
oh that ugly rage of loss
grief over all
that I might have been.
quantity? so what.
I write a lot.
meaningless.
I am human.
meaningless
I am a starseed.
closer.
I hate each word
I seeth like I’m made of silly putty
and that wasn’t supposed to be funny.
I’m so mad it makes me sound funny
and that is not
the point at all.
I want to squeeze my pain onto the earth like rain
let my pain fall from me like tears
like water to earth from sky, from clouds
I am a broken little doe in the headlights
I pity myself, oh how I pity myself
waiting every moment
for a new interruption
something unexpected to once again
break my precious, sweet, curious brain
tiny soul, so small
she fits into my mind
she is from Enceladus
which is the sixth biggest moon of Saturn
and a place where nothing is physical
all of the beings on Enceladus
are made of orbs of energy
and nothing more
they can fall in love
but there is no three dimension plane
within which to experience it
I use fantasy to dissociate
because
I simply need to rest.
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